A Bittersweet Love Story
by fridaythe13th
Summary: Different moments in the Buffy-Angel relationship throughout the years.
1. Finding Grace

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note:** Flashbacks are in _italics_.

**Finding Grace**

_I found him on the beach and we embraced. He just held me there, the peace, the contempt._

_I was breathlessly in heaven, "Stay with me."_

"_Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave." That was his reply, "Not even if you kill me."_

I woke up sweating. It was just a dream, I tell myself, it was just a dream. Yet the last few words that he said struck out and I can't get it out of my head. I tried to pull the pillow over and cover my ears, but the words drowned my mind. It is like a virus spreading, from the mind to the body, finally to my heart and soul.

"_I love you." Angel whispers._

"_I love you." God, I can't believe what I'm about to do next. I don't think I can comprehend what it means, it's like a split down the middle. "Close your eyes." If fate has me to go through with this cruelty, then the last thing that I want to him to see is the happy confident side of me, telling him that I love him. But I knew the real reason. I couldn't. I just couldn't look into those soulful eyes. I can't bear to see the pain, the betrayal and the heartbreak that he will definitely have if he saw the action that I was about to take part of._

_After a final desperate kiss, I had to. I had to drive the sword through his body to save the world. God, how did it ever come down to this scenario? _

I couldn't think of what happened after that. Everything became a blur and all I could see is an empty darkness. I wasn't even falling anymore, because there was nothing left for me to let go. I can only remember the silence. No more words of congratulations, no more kisses of goodbye, no more hell on earth. No more love. No more me.

"_No weapons…no friends…no hope. Take all that away…and what's left?"_

"_Me."_

I don't even have that anymore. I let that go when I sent him to hell. The kind and soulful man who had to endure whatever the demon inside of him had for punishment. And when hope is gone, the only thing I know how to do is to leave. I am not me anymore.

There is no home left to go to, for my mother doesn't understand the sacrifices I have to make to save the world…again. There are no friends because they could never understood what I had to go through, had to kill. There is no Slayer, she is now officially dead.

I ran, and I ran. But the memories stuck with me, like adhesive glue that I can't get rid of. I can only hide. Hide in a place where I am not me. Hide in a place where I don't exist. Hide in a place where I don't have to face life. Yet, it stuck with me. No matter how hard I try to climb out of the past, it pulls me down deeper, and I cannot get back up.

Maybe, just maybe, it is better to just lie here. If I don't sleep, I don't dream. And if I don't dream, I won't have to face me anymore.

I wonder if me friends, my mother, my Watcher, will ever forgive me for leaving. Grace is not something that is given to the deserved. I don't know if that grace is real or not. I don't know if I have the grace of Angel's understanding. Most importantly, I don't know if I can do so myself…

Grace. I haven't found it yet.


	2. Old Soldiers

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note: **flashbacks are in _Italics_.

**Old Soldiers**

He walked out of my life...again. It's funny how much practice we had with that.

The last few days had been...complicated and tiring. There had been so much emotion that ran through me, through us. Not to mention the search for Adam still. Maybe fear had been thrown in, I'm not so sure about that part, though.

"_Not in my city!" _

I don't actually blame him, now that I think about it. He was right; I just wanted to get my revenge. But I had a right to it. Faith played with my life, took everything that I had and made it hers.

_I walked down the stairs, not knowing what to expect. Maybe I think there was fear involved with what I might find there. But when I did look, my jaws dropped, and I almost meant literally. Angel and…Faith. On the bed. Hugging. Oh God, he has his shirt open. Just then, I'm heart felt like it just got ripped out and being stepped on._

_He looked at me in surprise. He started to button his shirt, "Buffy, I didn't know you…"_

_All I could manage was "What?" Is this really happening…again?_

I couldn't process any thoughts at that moment; my mind was fixed on the scene in front of me. I could understand how Riley would have not realiised, but him…He knew what Faith meant to me, all the things that she had done to me, but still, he wanted to play the white-knight-in-shining-armour. And the worse thing was, he hit me because of Faith. I could feel the tears trying to squeeze their way out onto my cheeks. I tried to hold my position, can't let him see me crumble before him. But seriously, I didn't know how long I could have hold out.

In the end, I let my emotions get the better of me.

"_I have someone in my life now." I wanted to make him jealous. How dare he talked about his city. "That I love." God, I can't believe I just said that. But it's too late to take it back. Seeing his reaction, I can't bear it, but it gave him no right to choose Faith over me. "It's not what you and I had…It's very new." I had to make it clear that he is dealing with Buffy Summers. "You know what makes it new? I trust him. I know him."_

"_That's great. It's nice, you moved on. I can't. You found someone new. I'm not allowed to, remember?" That hit a nerve. No, don't go there. "I see you again, it cuts me up inside, and the person I share that with is me!" Well, it cuts me up inside too, you know. "So don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. Go home!"_

I left. I was furious that he chose Faith's side. I might had been hard on him, but he knew me and he knew what my reaction should have been. I couldn't believe that our relationship was not important enough for him. I thought that I could put him behind me, but he always come back into my life.

_I saw Angel, in a pretty bad shape. God, is he okay? How did he…? No. I can't allow myself to think about him. Not after he…But really, I didn't have any time to reflect since Riley was also in the room, on the other side of me. He's got a gun. No doubt what he wants to do, not that it would work against the vampire. This can't be happening. Not here. Not now. I can't deal with this._

_I said the first and only thing I could form in my mind, "You've got to be kidding me." I looked at Angel. He just can't walk in here thinking that he could pummel my boyfriend. "This is why you came?"_

I really didn't know what to think when I saw my past and my present collide. I was still angry at him and seeing the bruises and wounds on both of them just escalated my emotions. I couldn't deal with the two of them in one room, and since what happened in LA, I didn't know if I could handle him at that moment. This was not how I imagined they would meet. Actually, I was thinking that they wouldn't have to meet…at all. To see the daggers in Riley's eyes, especially after he concluded that Angel was evil again. Oh God, no. My eyes went wide as I searched my mind on who told him the trigger to the curse. What was worse was that he thought Angel and I…

He was right though. What he said in LA. We don't live in each other's worlds. He did come to apologize, so really, what can I say to him? I know that I can't stay mad at him, even though I couldn't deal with seeing him with Faith, but in the end, he was right about me barging into his city and ask him to do things my way. I should have stayed calm thought about it rationally. But when it comes to him, all logic and reasoning shuts down and everything automatically switches to emotions.

"_I couldn't leave it like that." He smiled, "the way I spoke to you…I came to apologize. I had no right."_

_He had a right, and he was right. "Look," I couldn't begin to describe the frustration that I had now turned to confusion. And the truth is…I know…that I still cared about him and his opinion really mattered. Oh how wish it was much simpler. "You weren't entirely wrong, what you said in LA. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore." Yet I still manage to walk into his, just like he would if it was me. Let's just attempt to stick to our plan. "I can't just barge in on yours and make judgments." _

I need to go, and start forgetting. But me being in LA, him being here in Sunnydale. It makes it that much more harder, like it wasn't already difficult to began with. Why do we have to go through this crap every time? Why can't we just pretend that we don't care anymore? That we don't know each other? That our feelings are wrong? Oh, who am I kidding?!

He wanted to know if I needed help here. I think he knew what I was thinking even though I couldn't say it. Of course I wanted him to stay. Every time that question has been asked, my answer never seemed to change for some reason. But we both knew that things are different now. It is not just us that we have to worry about. It also includes the people that we love, the cities we were meant to save. He knew the reply I would give him, even though my insides were screaming the opposite.

"_I'm still sorry." He was sincere, and I finally had peace of mind for that._

"_It means a lot that you came." And that was the actual truth._

We smiled and he left. Just like old times. I hope he'll be okay with that limp. And I thanked him for telling me his thoughts on Riley. Even though I already suspected as much. Maybe that was why I loved him so much, and the fact that I still do. Oh, I have to stop thinking about that. We have our own lives now, trying to move on from him. And that world with him in it, where I can find the rock and wall in him, and I don't have to be the strong one? Even though I can't have that, at least I can lock the memories away forever.

I looked at the door to my other world, the one I have deal with now. The one with the monster that I can't beat, the boyfriend I have to comfort, and the friends that I have to look after. I grabbed the handle and rested on it for a second.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath. I have to go back to my reality.

But before I did, I looked once more at the world that walked away from me. We are still old soldiers, still fighting side-by-side. And even if we can't have what our feelings want, we still have the war stories left to remind us of each other's importance and presence in our lives and our worlds.

I smiled. I guess we'll always be two old soldiers…


	3. Sacrifice

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note:** Flashbacks are in _italics_.

**Sacrifice**

Sacrifices.

We all have to make them. Some small, some big. Some, we can't get back.

I made a choice today. I made a sacrifice today. This sacrifice, I don't regret. It wasn't like other times, because I made the decision. Too many times before, pain went hand-in-hand with the sacrifices. Now, I can change that. No more loss of loved ones, no more heartache and grief or sorrow for me to endure. This is me saving the world…

"_I sacrificed Angel to save the world." I told Giles._

I did. I did what was right but it didn't make the pain go away. This time, I don't have to face that pain because I won't have to lose him again. I'm glad, though, that he is not here. Not because I don't love him…because I truly do. But because I don't have to look into his eyes and find the pain there of watching me jump off the tower.

I should have written him a letter. If I knew that I was going to go out like this, I should have prepared by writing him a letter. There are just so many things that I want to say to him. It's too late now, but I wonder if he knows.

I want to tell him that I still love him. No matter how far apart we are, he is a part of me, a part that I cannot forget. I tried so many different ways to make him go away but nothing helped. They only made matters worse. Even seeing him in LA, five minutes or with Faith, hello to the pain. I keep telling myself that we are friends, two old friends who care about each other. But one thing I realised, Spike was right.

_I had to tell him that day, "We're not friends. We never were." He stared at me. The eyes that penetrated mine entire being. I had to tear my eyes away from his, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to do what I had to do if I don't soon. _

"_There must still be a way that we can see each other."_

"_There is." I took a deep breath, and said something I thought I would never have to say, "Tell me that you don't love me."_

I wasn't lying. What we have, what we want, there is probably not going to be a solution to it. We try to be friends, but the connection that we have, it is not "friendly", it is something so much more. I thought that killing him, tearing away, moving on, getting involved with someone else, would make me forget about him. How wrong I was. All the memories, all the emotions, it is like my life flashing before me again.

The noises seemed to be quietening. The speed seemed to be faster. I didn't need to open my eyes, because I knew where I was going. All of my thoughts seemed to be fading. Those of my mother, my sister, my friends and my life in general. Each flashback becomes a shade of grey. I felt close, close to the end. Close to the peace. To that sunrise that I saw over the horizon.

_I remembered the words I told Dawn. "I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles…tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world…is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me."_

I think I can see the light. It is so close. I can see my friends, my family…my love. If I had one more chance, I would tell him: I am sorry. I have to make the sacrifice. I hope you understand why I am doing this. I hope you forgive me for not telling you. I think you will already know the reason why…the real reason. Keep on going. Keep on living. For the world. For me.

Then, suddenly, the light flashed brightly and consumed all of me.

I had made that one thought just before I knew I hit the ground.

I love you, Angel. Not even death can change that.


	4. How's Forever

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note:** _Italics _are the flashbacks to the off-screen meeting…yes the one we never got to see.

**How's Forever**

I breathed in the coldness of the night

The bus sped out onto the highway. The sun was almost up, and the surroundings were still covered in darkness. Only the lights were the ones on the highway, illuminating the road back to that place I called home. Or what it used to be. There was no moon out, no stars, no clouds. Heaven didn't cry, didn't care that I was back here.

What I couldn't get out of my mind, however, was the conversation that had passed. Every word washed over me, like I needed the cleansing. I wasn't sure how to feel anymore, whether I was happy to see him, or the words should have been like multi-slaps to my sunken heart. Maybe I wasn't excited, but needed to see him. Everything is now a need, no emotions involved, just walking and trying. Step by step. Hard.

"_Buffy?" Why does his voice always sound so angelic? It is always that word that made my heart skip a beat, then melting it. _

"_Angel…" I was at a loss for words. I didn't even know where to begin the conversation. _

There wasn't anything at first. Just the need to see him physically, standing there before me, so that I know that he is there. In my own little world, that familiar tingly feeling emerged, always there when he is around. I tried, though, so hard not to feel like that. This is hell, I tell myself, there is nothing here worth the fight anymore.

"_You look good." There was a pause. He changed his wording when I didn't answer. What was I suppose to say? "I mean, you look…fine."_

"_I guess." I don't know. I haven't looked into the mirror recently. I guess I am afraid of what I could see staring back at me. Person? Monster? Or ghost?_

"_How have you…" Once again, he didn't finish the question. I guess it would feel awkward asking how a used-to-be-dead person was now that she has been selfishly brought back to life in hell by her friends. _

God, I know deep down that I shouldn't think that way. But the truth is, or at least what I know of the truth is, they pulled me out of the peace and graceful because they couldn't deal with the problems that life throws at them. I remembered what Willow said: we got you out. How did they even think up that I was in a hellish dimension when I saved the world? If there was justice and righteousness in this reality, then I should have been rewarded for my sacrifice.

"_Alive." What else was he expecting me to say? _

"_Willow told me everything." There goes Willow with the heroics. I bet she told him about her being in hell, and how she saved the day by resurrecting me._

"_Great." I don't think I sounded all that enthusiastic. I think he noticed._

"_It is going to be a long and difficult journey," he continued, "Being pulled out of hell. It is a not a pretty place to be in."_

"_Yeah, it's not." There I go again with the short answers, avoiding the truth._

Maybe things would have been better if we didn't talk. If we would just had to hold each other and never let go. I'm sure that'll end well…I tried. I tried to be happy and contempt about it, but as soon as I was there, all the defence around me seemed to crumble under his glaze and his presence.

"_Buffy, if there is anything you need, you know I'll be here for you." He was always so sweet and caring. His voice was soft and mesmerising, drawing me closer to him, to his soul._

I still don't understand why I froze. Not of shock, but couldn't speak at all. A part of me wanted to tell him. To tell him everything: the pain, the despair, the emptiness that I came back to. But the other half screamed at me to let it go, that he doesn't need my problems, that he can't help anyways with my issues. I wanted him to see the happy side of me, the side that goes "I am strong in all situations and it is all under control".

_I actually wanted to say yes, just kiss me. But then we both know that it would be a big mistake. One mistake that I can't afford right now, considering there is a million of other things that needs to be dealt with._

_I think he noticed my silence. "Do you want to talk?"_

_I wanted to say no, but I can't help feel a little compelled to tell him what had happened. Not Willow's version, but the truth. But I think in the end, I finally decided on silence. I kept screaming in my head about the past, how I should have ran up into his arms for a passionate kiss, and let all my worries fade away. A part of me really wanted to do that, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Knowing what was there, what I can't have, just makes life seem more like hell, and death more like heaven._

"_If it helps," he offered quietly, searching for the right words, "it will get better."_

_He looks at me. I had to literally tear my eyes away from him because I couldn't be on the level with him about all of this. But I knew that he was gauging my reaction, some kind of sign of emotion. Or something. The truth was, I was feeling something. All this time back, when I thought I lost all ability to feel, the pain and hurt starts to well up inside of me._

Does he even know? I didn't think so. He seemed…innocent, possibly just taking in whatever Willow told him. I should have just left. A logical part of me was telling my brain to leave, before anything gets out of my mouth that I might regret later. I kept thinking about it…about how it could have ended differently for us.

"_You don't have to do this alone," he inched a bit closer to me. Then, the evitable happened. He added something that set me off. "You have people around you to help…"_

"_I clawed out of my own grave." Each word was like a stab in my heart. But it was also a shock on his face that I saw. He was definitely speechless. "Do you know what it's been like? To have to live each day again? To have to put on a bright big smile when you've been through it all over?"_

I couldn't help it. I realised what I was saying but it was too late. The truth had began to settle in.

"_My friends torn me out of heaven. It was suppose to be my time, and I was finished. Complete. Instead, my so-called friends decided to save poor old Buffy from hell by bringing me back to life. Help? Do you have any idea what is it like? To be in a harsh, violent world where we fight and we die, and no one even knows the things that we to sacrifice? This is hell, Angel. I have no money left, my friends treat me like I've just come out of asylum, and I don't see the world getting any better even if I'm fighting the supernatural. I hate it here. I hate it that it have to be so hard. I hate that my friends couldn't deal with me gone. I hate that everyone looks at me to do the fighting and being the one who could be in control. I hate that…"_

_By this point, I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. God, how I hated myself in this position. Yet, I felt myself let go, all the frustration and despair just fading away. But before I could go on, the second mistake was done. He kissed me. Softly, but it did happen._

I couldn't stop thinking about what could have happened after that. It was very clear that the last time we did that, we almost didn't make it through the night. No, I'm not talking about death, I'm talking about that intensity, that…no, I can't think about that. I just can't.

_I broke the kiss. It was very clear where it could have ended up going. No, I couldn't go through that again. Angel blinked for a moment before finally settling on, "I'm sorry."_

"_I can't…" I stuttered, my emotions were starting to become confused._

_Nothing was said. I think he knew. He always knew, he just didn't say it. But he did something else that made me jump. He slipped his hand into mine. I tried not to react to his touch, but after all these years, it still had an effect on me. The anger and pain had been replaced, for the first time in months, by warmth and gentleness. _

"_The sun is almost up," he observed. "Do you want to go?"_

"_Maybe just a while longer," I whispered, still had my hand in mine. It felt nice, just to be there, next to him. It felt like my world._

"_How's forever?" That line!_

_Suddenly remembering the last time we had this conversation, I let go abruptly of his hand. No, I can't go there again. I didn't mean to be rude, but the sudden invasion of my mother's death startled me a little. No. I have to go. There is that one road that I can't go down at the moment. _

I could feel the melting when he said it though. Whilst it is long gone now, but I knew that it had been there for that short period of time. Where he is involved, it always throw my life into unbalance. I remember our actual conversation ended there. There was so much afterwards that were just emotions of wanting him to stay and the fear that feeling again will only bring despair at the end of the line.

"_Please, just don't." _

"_I should just…"_

"_Yeah, I think…"_

_I was so lost in my confusion of that "forever" line that I didn't really pay anymore focus to the words that were being said. _

He walked out of my life. God, how many times has he done that? I don't count anymore. It seems like a regular habit of us. But then, I was just left with the emptiness and slowly, the coldness crept back into the picture. I keep telling myself that it is better this way. That we are two different people with two very different lives.

I looked out the window of the bus now. The sun had just jumped over the horizon. He should be back in his world now. Where he belongs. The bus passed the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign. I sighed and leaned my head into the headrest. And I have to get back to my reality.

Once again, the warmth and passion had left me. Now, the loneliness, and the not wanting to feel, fills that hole in my heart.

How does forever sound? Forever is a long time.


	5. Long Time Coming

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note:** Flashbacks are in _italics_.

**Long Time Coming**

This is how it ended.

He walked out of my life once again.

Oh, the memory flooded back to me as I remembered the last time he did that.

_Through the smoke and the chaos, I felt him before I could see him. Yet when I did and our eyes locked, I was at a loss for words. He said that there wasn't going to be any goodbyes, for goodbye has long past us. He was standing there, next to that big old red fire truck, staring at me with those dark penetrating eyes of his, and suddenly, everything else fell away. No noise, no motion, I couldn't even feel the process of my breathing. I knew what was going to happen next. There was no need for words, because the memories alone were enough. The happy ones, the sad ones, the painful ones, and the ones that mattered the most. It was then that he made that exit, and he took a piece of me with him that day._

Really, I wanted to run up to him and stop him. Heck, I wanted to ask him to stay, to be that rock that I can lean on. But I was afraid. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I would lose control and all sense of reasoning. So I did the only thing I can do, and know how to do since I've been having a lot of practice on that.

I gave him a lousy reason. A valid one, but really lame when I think about it. I'm not saying that it was a lie, but it is still far better than me telling him the actual reasons for not wanting him there. Yes, I think sensed that Spike and I are... Well, I'm not really sure what Spike and I are. Which is also why I didn't want him to stay. I have enough trouble trying to keep Spike from going crazy, I wasn't really looking forward to having 2 green-eyed vampires battling it out. But there is another, one that I didn't want him to know.

"_If I lose, if this thing gets past Sunnydale, then it's days – maybe hours – before the rest of the world does."_

I don't honestly know if I'm going to make it. If any of us here will ever make it. This is the biggest that we've ever faced and the truth is, I'm not sure how confident I am, if at all. I did tell him that I couldn't risk him. And that was the closest I could tell him how I really felt. I have so many people whom I love that are going to be with me shoulder to shoulder in this, if we lose… God, I can't even begin to think about how I would feel. But with him out of the way, at least I know, that at least one person who I love will be safe. The world has a chance then. I have a chance then.

"_Angel. I do…sometimes think that far ahead."_

"_Sometimes is something."_

"_Be a long time coming. Years, if ever."_

"_I ain't getting any older."_

As I looked around me at the empty cemetery, I breathed in the last scent of that dark brooding vampire. After a final sigh, I had to walk back into reality. If I survive this, there may be a chance for us. But it would be a long time coming.


	6. Fallen

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note: **flashbacks are in _Italics_.

**Fallen**

No. This is not happening. This is just a dream. An imagination.

"_This can't be you." I was hoping that I was right…on some level. _

_But my dream was shattered. "Gee, we already covered that subject."_

"_Angel, there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who you are." I desperately wanted to make a connection to him. This can't be happening…_

"_Dream on," Angel scolded, "Schoolgirl."_

He wasn't him anymore. Something that I still can't comprehend. Everything I knew, everything I believed, everything I felt, all came crashing down on me like the sky had fallen. It seemed like weeks, months even, yet the pain felt like yesterday. Everything hurt, everything harsh, everything different. But I still have to face him, or the demon that wears his face. I tried so hard to tell myself that it is not him anymore. But when I look at him, I think about him, what we've been through, what we did, how we felt.

_It was a small ring. Silver, with a band that came around to become two hands holding a heart with a crown on top. It was exquisite, and just beautiful._

"_It's a Claddagh ring," Angel told me. "The hands represents friendship, the crown represents loyalty. The hear, well, you know…"_

I do know. I know all too well what that heart represented, something I don't want to think about but can't seem to stop doing so. It use to point in, towards my heart, but now, the pointing seems to melt away into a sword that stabbed my heart…repeatedly. But it wasn't the ring's fault. It was my fault.

"_The curse," Jenny explained. "If Angel achieved true happiness, even just a moment of…He would lose his soul."_

_Oh God…"So it was me. I did it."_

I was the reason for his newfound personality. I did it. I was the reason that people dead. I was the reason that my friends are now in mortal danger. I was the reason…He was my world, and now, I have to pay the price for that emotion. That emotion I called love is now the reason that I am falling from grace. I let this happen! God, how did it ever get to this?

"_I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop-" He whispered. That voice, so smoothing and gentle. I felt like I was going to melt away._

"_Me too. I can't either." I can't stop. I just can't._

I still can't. Somehow, when I looked at him, I froze. All I could think about was his love for me, and the risks that he took to protect me. I looked at him. I think a part of me wanted him to be Angel, that maybe I could get through to him. But I've lost that. The dream I had came true. He may not be dead, but he is now lost to me.

I had one hope, and he destroyed that. But if only I had known beforehand, I could have prevented this. I could have stopped. I could have…I didn't actually know what I would have done, but I'm pretty sure that this wasn't on my list of to-do's. But instead, I let my emotions get the better of me. And that is what made the whole situation worse…I loved him. I put my friends and family in danger because I had feelings for him.

"_I got a message for Buffy."_

"_Why don't you give it to me yourself," Buffy walked into the dark hallway. He has changed. He is not the Angel I know. I kept telling myself._

"_Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell." He spun around to face me. Willow! He has Willow. "It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends."_

_He tightened the grip on her. God, no. He can't do this. Not this._

I felt like I betrayed them. Willow, Xander…Giles. I am guilty of murder because I was the one who let the demon lose. If it hadn't been me…

"_Was it m-me?" I could barely get my voice out. "Was I not good?"_

"_You were great." He grinned at me. What did he just say?! "Really. I thought you were a pro." _

"_How can you say this to me?" What exactly did just happen? What is he saying to me?_

"_Lighten up. It was a good time." He wasn't interested. "It doesn't mean like we have to make a big deal."_

_My mouth dropped. "It is a big deal!"_

"_It's what? Bells ringing, fireworks, a dulcet choir of pretty little birdies?" He laughed now. God, I felt like I've just been shot. In the heart. "Come on, Buffy. It's not like I've never been there before."_

_He tried to touch me, but my instinct was to back away. Fast. No, this can't be!_

"_Don't." I had to pull all the effort and strength I had to say this. "Don't touch me."_

"_I should've known you wouldn't be able to handle it." He's leaving?_

"_Angel!" This was my last plead to make him stay. "I love you."_

As I looked at the burning candle, I felt as if my love for Angel is slowly vanishing.

I feel like I'm falling, and I can't back up again.


	7. Author's Note :

**Author's Note**

Thank you all for reading. I cannot even begin to tell you the appreciation and gratitude that I have in knowing that there are readers out there, encouraging and supporting us writers here.

Just a few notices and housekeeping things I should tell you about:

I apologise for my reordering of the chapters. I originally intended for the chapters to be in chronological order – by episode. However, I tend to write each scene not in order, only following my emotions and inspirations as I rewatch Buffy episodes. So I will not move the chapters around until I have gotten everything uploaded first.

Each chapter is a standalone scene that is set somewhere in an episode, except the final chapter (which has not been done yet). I will not state the place where each chapter is, but if you look closely at the flashbacks and clues, you'll get a pretty good idea.

Yes, it is really some thoughts about the Buffy/Angel relationship. I am a shipper. I warn you that there is some subjectivity in the chapters because of this. However, I **tried**very hard to relive what the characters were feeling in the episodes as I rewatch them. I **tried** to make everything fit with what was happening in the series, and **NOT** to come to conclusions about some things. Other things are left to the reader's imagination.

I didn't specifically write down whose POV the chapters are in, but I think you can all figure it out. It is the same person all the way through.

Lastly, there may be grammatical or spelling errors. I didn't beta read my chapters that well. So please try to tolerate my mistakes.

Thank you for your reviews and suggestions. _Continue reading happily._


	8. Start Forgetting

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note: **flashbacks are in _Italics_.

**Start Forgetting**

"_I'm not going to say goodbye."_

I stood there, facing where he was standing before he left. That line had been implanted in my brain, screaming at me, making me feel the pain and the heartbreak. I had to close my eyes, breathe in deeply. I tried not to think about him. What he said. What we could have been. What he did.

"_But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you know it, you'll want it all, a normal life."_

"_I'll never have a normal life." This is the life of a Slayer, always in the dark, endangering her life to fight demons, not knowing if there is a tomorrow._

"_Right, you'll always be a Slayer." It's not like I have a choice in that. "But that's all the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this…this freak show." Oh God, he called it a freak show. Is this what it is? A freak show to him? That we are not worth it? Oh God..._

"_Don't what?" All I had at that moment was my love for him. "Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that." I knew, deep in my guts, what is happening. Since the start of the conversation, I had that gut-wrenching feeling that something horrible…or beyond, was about to happen. "I'm never gonna change. I can't change." _

Some things are never going to change, no matter how much you want them to. I'm still going to love him; I don't think I can change that. There was passion, and there was pain. All the memories suddenly flooded my mind, even though I tried to shut them out. I tell myself that he's gone, but my love for him hasn't faded one bit.

But some other things can't change either. We can want all we want, but we still can't have. Knowing that our relationship can destroy lives and endanger others is the risk that we must confront. We can't ever be anything because of the limitations that we do have together. So in the end, he was right.

"_I mean, I think, maybe in the long run, that he's right." Oh God, I can't believe what I am saying. But the emotions just start to rush up in my veins and pain starts to surface. _

"_It must be horrible." Willow reached out to me._

"_I think horrible is still coming." I can't hold on anymore. "Right now, it's worse." My heart had just been squeezed dry of its blood, and all the tears that I had been trying to suppress are racing to get to the finish line. "Right now, I'm just trying keep from dying." _

No matter how right he was, it didn't make the pain lessen. _I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe._ I tried to power through the roller coaster ride, telling myself that he is right in the long run, that I can live without him. But I knew the truth. It really felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs and filled them with a sea of despair and pain. There is no other way to describe it. Only that I am really trying to swim upwards away from the enveloping darkness.

_He stood there, watching me with eyes that spoke to me like a thousand words. The pain, the guilt, yet it was the love that I saw the most. "It's just tonight. It doesn't mean that…" _

_It doesn't mean that he is staying, but I know that it does mean that I am still in his heart, for him to come tonight. He is still leaving, and I had no comeback for him to stay. But at least now, this is what I want, what I need. "I know." I don't mean it that way. "I mean…I understand." Just don't talk about it anymore. Take my arms and dance with me._

He's leaving. It was plain and simple. It sounds so bare because it only has 2 words in the sentence. But it is those 2 words that left me standing there, looking after his departure. He's leaving and his going to take a part of me with him…forever. He's leaving, but at least I know that he'll still be around…somewhere…out there. At least I'll have comfort in that.

"_We make it through this," he said quietly, "I'm just gonna go." I swallowed, breathed in deeply, keeping the emotions at bay. "Do you understand?" I do, unfortunately. "There's just too much to…"_

_I had to stop him before he could finish what he was saying. Because I knew too well what he wanted to say. I just couldn't bear to hear it. Not from him. Not now. _

He wasn't going to say goodbye. I know why. I couldn't built up the courage to do so myself. Maybe it would be easier this way, just go. Maybe if we stayed just a moment longer, saying all we wanted to say, maybe we wouldn't have the courage to go through with this.

I gripped the bundle tightly in my hand. I have to go now, back to reality, away from my dream. I have to go…start forgetting.


	9. Confessions

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note:** Flashbacks are in _italics_.

**Fallen**

"_I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right?"_

I wish I could really answer Xander's question without doubting myself. The truth is, I'm not sure what my feelings are. The last couple of days had been lived in confusion, or maybe in denial.

I've always thought that vampires were monsters…animals. It was all black and white and I didn't need to hesitate when it comes to slaying, and the likes. Yet, my perception of good versus evil came crashing down when I met him. Not at first. I had thought it was a vengeance gig for him. Just a normal guy whom I didn't have to break the secret to. But I guess life is never easy or predicable. He was…is a vampire.

_He pulled away suddenly. I panicked. It might have been a Slayer instinct to panic and worry about whether or not there are dangers lurking about around the corner._

"_What?" I could hear my own voice trembling a bit. This is not good. "What is it? What's wrong?"_

_When he turned to face me, my stomach felt like it took a heavy blow and my gut instantly clenched. I actually panicked when I saw his face…his true face. My natural first reaction was to scream. I was so afraid of what had happened that I couldn't think of anything else, do anything else but scream. And that's when he jumped out of the window and disappeared into the night._

_God, he's a vampire! How did it…? I couldn't even form a thought at that moment. I didn't know how to react. We were just…I felt the passion in us…in him, when we… How could this be?_

I truly did not understand. And when I saw him with my mother…God, I felt like I had been hit again. I wanted to kill him. But I could not tear myself away from the feeling that he meant something to me. Something more. It was like when he was around, the lights dim everywhere else.

"_Was it a joke?" I felt betrayed in a way. "To make me feel for you and then…" Did I just say "feel" to him? But the words were spoken and there was no way I could take them back now. "I've killed a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before."_

_~*~*~_

"_You can have your jacket back," I smiled sweetly at him. Actually, I don't think I really wanted to. It was just like custom-made for me. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating but I don't see what I need to. Or maybe I'm just greedy because I want to keep his presence near, considering I don't know where I can find him._

"_Looks better on you." He grinned, but in a very charming way._

_I stood there as he turns to go. I was speechless. I was confused. I think I was a bit head over heels just then. When I thought it was over, he stopped to turn back for a glance. How mesmerising were those eyes. It felt like time stopped and there was nothing in the world but him._

"_Oh boy!" _

_~*~*~_

"_So you weren't following me?" I think I knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from him. To reinsure my suspicions, if you can call them suspicions. "I just had this feeling you were."_

"_Why would I do that?" There goes that charming smile again._

"_You tell me." Okay, let's play it your way. "You're the Mystery Guy that appears out of nowhere. I'm not saying I'm not happy about it tonight, but…if you are hanging around, I'd like to know why." He's wound should be okay now. _

"_Maybe I like you."_

I was surprised. Even though I had a feeling that was true, I was still a bit surprised that he actually said it, especially so casually. What was he playing at, telling me that he liked me but knowing that he is a vampire and I'm the Slayer. But one thing I knew that was true, he did get slashed because of me. I'm thankful, however confused.

Maybe that Darla vampire was right. He is not on the same side as them, that he wants to help, that he…

"_You love someone who hates us." That were Darla's words. To Angel._

He loves me? I guess, I don't know what I guess. I think I just went from surprised to stunned. Are the two words similar? They shouldn't be. I wasn't sure of my feelings before this, wondering if they are real or not. I think that helped to clear it up a little. That was kind of sweet of him, even though he didn't say it, but still, it was nice to be loved.

Just then, a knock on the door broke my chain of thoughts. I opened it to find Xander and Willow grinning at me.

"Buff, you ready to hit it at The Bronze?" Xander asked, making dance moves.

I stepped outside and shut the door behind me.

"That's a good idea." Maybe Angel will show.

Maybe, I can confess to him…


	10. White Flag

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or Angel or any of their associate characters. They belong, unfortunately, to Joss and ME. I'm just using them for my imagination and entertainment purposes.

**Author's Note: **flashbacks are in _Italics_.

**White Flag**

We've taken the scenic route to get to here. It is hard not to think about what had happened in the last few months. I felt like I've been on a roller coaster ride and the intensity nearly had me having a heart attack. First was the shock, then the pain, finally the despair. Just when I thought that I could get back on my feet again, something unexpected happened…

_He turns. The beast that consumed him was fading, I had known that much. Now, all I saw was him, the face that I had longed to see for so long. "Buffy?" Oh God, he…_

_He slowly walks towards me. I don't know if I should back away or not, but my feet didn't budge. I was unmovable because he spoke to me, saying that word that I thought I would never hear again. He falls and clutches himself around me. I dropped my jaw wanting to say something. Anything. But every word refused to come out and I was just left standing there. Unsure of what to do._

_But then, something happened that surprised me. He started to cry. I…I couldn't comprehend what was going on. Everything happened so fast I thought I was going to trip and fall. I think I just did. All the dreams, all the hope had come back to me, but the fear of it all, I knew was still very much alive. Now, having him back and not knowing if this is real, the emotions fought inside my heart. And the tears…before I could process the situation, they just fight their way to surface. I wanted to…actually, I don't think I know what I wanted to do. This can't be happening…_

I still couldn't believe it at times. But as time moved on, so did my suspicions. But then, a bigger fear washed over me. Giles and the gang. I didn't tell them about him. Instead, they found out the hard way. I had such a busy time defending my "secret" and trying to be on the level with my decisions that I think I forgot about how the whole thing affected them. I was stupid, because I realised that I should just have told them in the first place. Maybe things would have turned out differently. What were the words I used as an excuse? Oh yeah, "I wanted to make sure…"

But I ensured them that what happened last year won't happen again. The truth was, though, I didn't know myself if we can do so. But does matter, because as much as I can doubt myself, at least they won't have to worry about it. I think. I mean, we really just want to be friends. Nothing more. I tried so hard to convince myself that I can live with him at an arm's length, that the emotions somehow had gotten more intense. Maybe Spike was right about one thing though…

"_You're not friends." Spike hit a nerve just then. How does he know? "You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both." I think that was already proven last year. I killed him and that in turn killed me. "You'll fight, you'll shag, you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends."_

_I glanced at Angel. He was staring at me too. Oh boy, there the familiarity returns and the intensity increases. I think he was thinking the same thing I was. Spike was actually making sense of the whole thing. I don't know if I should be relieved or disappointed. No, I can't look at him anymore. There is nothing to say, nothing between us. We are just…_

"_Real love isn't brains, children, it's blood, it's blood screaming inside you to work its will."_

I still love him. I guess it doesn't matter which I want to look at it, I still love him. That love, I can't deny, and there is no way that I can shake it out of my system. It is trying to get its way. I'm beginning to think that I should just give up and let it take over me. No, I guess I can't. I don't need another roller coaster ride down emotional lane again. Certainly not another apocalypse.

I wanted to stop the madness. Determined not to see him again. I keep telling myself that if I stay away from him, I can attempt to move on and forget about him. But convince never works, because the more I think about it, the more I keep thinking about him. About what we had, what we could have, or even what we are doing now. It feels like that every time I try to do the right thing, it always come back to bite me.

"_Giles, we have do something." Anything. "Soon. Now."_

"_I'm still not sure what." _

"_Find me these priest guys. Find me something I can pummel." I don't know, I just need to get him out of there. That place I can't imagine of. Just let me do something…_

"_Let's not lose our heads." He doesn't have a solution._

"_Giles, he's slipping." No, I didn't just say that…did I? I…I think it was the right word though. Seeing him like that, I think my heart just skipped a beat. "I think we're losing him." The words almost got caught in my throat as I think about the implementations of that. _

"_You realise, if he truly becomes a danger, you may have to kill him. Again." I just stared at Giles. Not blankly because I definitely heard him say it. I just didn't want to hear it. The truth is, though, I have thought about that question. I just don't have an answer to it. "Can you do that?"_

I didn't answer him…really, I didn't have an answer to give to him. The mere thought of going down memory lane again just makes my gut turn inside out. I think I'm getting pretty good at avoiding things like that. I think a huge part of me doesn't want him out of my life. As much as I want to do the right thing, I know that I can't deny the love that I have and the desire for him to be a part of my life.

"_What about me?" Everything he said just hit me like a blow in the chest. I could feel myself sinking to the ground, the defensive shell around me weakening and crumbling. "I love you so much…" Did you hear me? I still love you. "And I tried to make you go away…I killed you and it didn't help."_

_I still love you after all that you have done to me. Do you know how much that kills me?! I shoved him off and gets up. I am tired of this crap! "And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard…" I hate that I love you despite everything. I hate myself for not being stronger. I hate it that I can't make myself forget and stop loving you. I hate it that every time I want to move on, you come back into my life. I hate that you left and left me here alone. I hate that you don't care enough about me and leave me again. I hate that I can't help you. I hate that we have to be like this. I hate…_

"_I know everything that you did, because you did it to me." Do you know the hell you have put me through these last few months? Do you even care? "Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead." I did, but could not bring myself to think about it. You are still a big part of me. "I don't."_

_The tears seemed to flow on forever, not wanting to stop. I don't even have the strength to tell you…tell myself... "I can't." I still love you. _

As we walk hand-in-hand in the snow, I finally realised something. Love conquers all. You can't win love because it lies in all of us.

I think I've finally put up a white flag…


End file.
